Back from Hutch & a little taste of how epic I am

So I was definitely planning on updating this while I was still in Hutchinson with the family, but Jasmine ended up staying with me all weekend & I just didn't have the time nor desire to do so.  Our weekend was filled with quote worthy moments that ended up on Jasmines Facebook page, adventures and plenty of photos. We also had a blast with Charlie Sheen, just sayin'.

We headed to Bogeys right before I had to leave to get us a large cup of Tiger Blood. It was intense. I need to get some things on my computer in order and maybe I'll be able to get part of the video from that trip uploaded. We were really excited about the Tiger Blood.







One of the days I was there Jasmine the Great White Mexican  just started playing a butch of music, had us all dancing and singing along. We'll skip over the many Justin Beiber songs that we got into but there's one song that I'm OBSESSED with now. It's completely in spanish (so I can barely understand it) but it's awesome

 NOW TO THE GOOD SHIT
I was browsing the files of my computadora when I came across the most entertaining video of me ever. I recorded myself singing the song Black Balloon by The Kills ( I did that practicing/learning songs) and then set that with random video of myself dancing and just being weird.
If you ever wondered what I did to keep myself from dying of boredom when I was living in Wichita, here ya go.

Back in the middle of Kansas...

    So here I am sitting in Hutchinson, Kansas.
     "Shaina, hey guess what?" My brother Damian just said to me.
     "What?"
     "I just looked in the mirror and I look like Sam Flynn." Hahaha that kid's funny. I'm spending the next 3 days here seeing my aunt, 5 cousins and one of my best friends Jasmine. I talked about Jasmine in a post before, I feel like we need to get on a webcam and do some talking. I'll discuss it with her tomorrow and if we do you know it'll end up on here.
     I've been incredibly tired most of the day, probably because of my lack of sleep this morning. We were on the road for nearly 4 hours I think. Anyway, I'm going to enjoy my time here and try to keep boredom to a minimum. My cousin Christian (AKA Sissen) will most likely be working for a majority of the time I'm here because he sucks and makes more money than me, but I'll figure it out.

Let me break this down for you :

Me - 17
Sissen (cousin)- 14
Jason (cousin) - 11
Damian (brother) - 11
Mikayla (cousin) - 9
Cain (brother) - 9
Madison (cousin) - 7 (I think)
Caitlyn(cousin) - 5

Christian being the 14 year old boy that he is tends to be entertaining in itself, although sometimes extremely annoying. When it is bad the comedic bickering between his mother (My aunt Melissa AKA Auntie M) keeps things lively for sure. Not to mention that my grandma is off her rocker and leaves us with plenty to laugh at.
   So far today me and Auntie M have interacted on nearly 10 Facebook posts while being mere feet from eachother as well. Mostly making fun of Sissen and/or her mom. I'll be updating on how this weekend goes for sure.

& now I shall leave you with a picture of Christian and I dancing epicly in December of 2009.

"You're an artist..."

    My dad actually said that to me this past Sunday. I'm pretty sure it was Sunday, the day doesn't really matter though. It was nice hearing that, from anyone it's nice to hear it.
    The past couple nights I've made the effort to open up a journal and scribble something down. I've doodled shitty drawings, I've attempted something like lyrics, and I have even written a diary entry. My favorite thing to write seems to be haikus. They're  not as easy as they seem, a decent one takes time. You only get a few lines so each word needs to be perfected.

5,7 and 5
Take my words and try to fly.
I escape this life.

An Anxious Hand? I guess so...

                                                  

You don't know calm until you've seen this ink on paper

These bleeding fingers

This reckless enlightenment  

You cannot fathom the definition of what I am

I  am lost within myself

Dreaming of dreams

Finding a familiar comfort in displacement

You are vacant

You are dull.

Hallucinations, monks, fake hair and sould readings.

       It's been a bit, so I guess it's time to update before I completely forget about it.
Firsts thing's first, I started seeing a therapist and was diagnosed officially with Bipolar 1 with psychotic features. The whole psychotic features part was added because of "Disassociation" or "Hallucinations"... or you know, whatever.
      During my therapy session today we did this trippy meditation stuff to practice being calm and controlling my reactions. Something to do with directing blood flow to your hands and then to your face, it was badass. My therapist seems like an alright guy, he talks about Buddhist monks and used the word "esoteric"  then started rambling on about finding my place in the universe.


In other news...

I want that wig, I really do. Sad thing is, I'm like 2 dollars short.

(The greatest woman ever) Suzi did a soul analysis for me recently & it was so great I had to share a bit of it here.


"You see a lot of pain and suffering in the world and that pains you on a personal level, and you feel like you can feel the pain of the universe, that it manifests through you, tortures you. This drives you to create art to ease this inner turmoil, to express outwardly what's going on inside. Despite learning how to cope with being a naturally rather shy girl by teaching yourself social skills, you are naturally rather shy, and you connect most to other people through art and through words, which you put together as if they were art themselves. As mentioned above, you also connect to people through helping them, through a shared mutual pain, and you feel best understood in the context of supporting someone who needs your help. You'll find a lot of your relationships center on you showing affection for someone else by giving them things--your time, practical things they need, rides in your car, ect. You are a very down to earth, centered, and practical person, who is like a rock to those around you. They can count on and depend on you, because you are very solid and straightforward. You show affection in tangible, real world ways, by being there when someone needs you, or buying them food for their kitchen, instead of buying them diamond rings and roses (which you feel are nice, but relatively useless, and don't really mean anything). In love, you are the support for your lover, and you like to help him do everything--make phone calls, make appointments, be involved a lot in his life. You like to make yourself indispensable so he can't function without you, while he doesn't even realize this. Trust me girl, I do the same thing! You're not the airy, superficial lover. You are the exact OPPOSITE of that!"


She couldn't be more right in describing me.

“What is not started today is never finished tomorrow.”

This is actually my second post today which is sort of ridiculous but I don't care. I was frustrated about something that happened earlier so I needed to get this out. It's a confession of dreams I guess, or something like that.
  The thing is, ever since I was a little kid I've wanted to be a singer. I've wanted to tour and I've wanted to put on a show. I dreamed about getting awards and writing songs. I just knew it's what I wanted, & it hasn't changed since I was 4.
   I should have picked up the guitar, I should have told everyone that I was going to be a star and I should have written songs by now. Instead though, I was too afraid. I thought that no one would take me seriously and that I wasn't good enough so I didn't try hard enough, I just gave up. Even as I got older and a little more confident I was still afraid to come out and say "I want to be a singer, a musician, a writer, a performer." I was too afraid to admit to my only real dreams. So I tried to do what I loved by trying to start or get into bands with my friends, I tried to write and learn the ways but I always felt that people thought I wasn't good enough to actually do it so I gave up.
 I keep trying. I keep dabbling into the music with family and friends but it still seems that I'm treating it like a possible hobby on the side of whatever I'm going to do. I can't live this way and I know it, it's the only thing that will make me truly content with myself. It's my escape and I want to learn more, I want to see more, I want to hear more and I really want to do more.
  I'm well aware that I have a very long way to go, I have things within myself that I need to resolve so that I can be comfortable with saying these things out loud. Even this post will be hard to publish, but maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'll have more supporters than I think.

"I guess that’s that, but when a dream seems impossible, it’s simply a matter of you telling yourself that you could be the first to do it. Just because it hasn’t been done, that doesn’t render you incapable. You decide when you’re going to begin." -Ifeoma ( a friend)


I begin now. I begin to believe that my dreams are relevant and I'll seek refuge in my voice, I'll move with my words and I'll show the world (big or small) that Shaina Danielle can create and dispatch her love despite a lifetime of being afraid to do so. Tonight I'm declaring my belief in myself and I'm humbly asking for the wisdom and support of others. This is no longer a day dream that has lasted for over a decade, but goal.

This is just a useless taste

    Last night I was nearly tempted to make a post detailing all the things going on in my head, but the constant flashing and wondering in my head held me back.  I'm not sure why everything seems to come together like this, but it always does.
  
I'm usually caught up in panic, telling myself terrible things without a real reason. Visions in my head of not being able to cope with the pressure so I just try to claw, scrape, slice, bite, maybe even pull my way out of myself and escape. Have you ever sat in class with a pair of sharp shears pressed into the palm of your hand and dragging  because you can't focus on anything? Maybe you've shot up out of bed shaking and crying, tearing your room apart so that you could find anything that would change your state of mind and help you escape your own head. Do you understand the incredible victory of not eating for a week because it's the only self control you've been able to harvest?
   I hate those days when human interaction is absolutely terrifying.
      I'll probably always have a hard time explaining it.

That poster could use more exclamations marks

We're having family time today, it's nice.
Me, mom, my brothers (Damian & Cain) and my aunt

I guess I can't forget my dog Ziggy.
Right now we're watching Scott Pilgrim VS the World, quoting it line for line practically.
My brother Damian said he's going to get a Chinese woman, I don't know how I feel about that considering he's 11 but oh well.
 I wrote a song last night, I'm trying to remember how it went exactly. It's too damn cold in KC still, fucking sucks. I need to hang out with some of my friends that I haven't seen in a million years


*EDIT
My aunt Robyn doesn't think Russell Brand is attractive, something about looking like a "homeless guy at the bus stop" 
I have to disagree.

I'm in lesbians with you. I really, really mean it

This is a cold, white, snowy hell

    Ever since we've moved back to KC I have been shut up in this house by this terrible weather, give or take a few days. It's 30 degrees and tomorrow it'll be 30 degrees, the next day will probably be 30 degrees and forever I will suffer in this damn arctic tundra bullshit weather.
     1,400 calories into the day and going into 200 something MG's of caffiene and I'm lacking anything truly good to say about my life. I hate it actually, I loath this existence to the fullest at the moment. I honestly have no idea what the fuck I'm saying right now or if there is a point to this (I'm pretty sure there isn't)
   I'm sorry, I accidentally deleted a whole paragraph that explained that I don't believe it will continuously be 30 degrees outside. Again, there is no real purpose for this other than to get out my stream of thoughts and possible desires.

I've been thinking about the possibility of going to school for entrepreneurship. Maybe start an online fashion "boutique" eventually run my own salon (hiring my friends of course) and who knows what else. I want to get away from things that are too familiar, I want to travel. I hate that it takes so much money to do these things.

 Jasmine should really be my partner in crime with this, I miss her. I just told her I was writing a blog, probably one of my only true friends. It saddens me sometimes that we don't get to see each other very much because of her living in Hutchinson. I might go there around spring break to see my cousins, Jasmine & I will have to hang out and talk business :)

     I tried to get a job at Taco Bell a few weeks ago, had an interview even. It seemed to be going well but the manager went over my work history (Leaving McDonalds after 2 days), my education (dropping out of High School, leaving Cosmetology school) and told me I needed to find stability and it seemed that I couldn't commit. Needless to say, I didn't get the job. I've felt pretty discouraged since then, plus the longer I sit around the deeper the mental black hole in my head seems to grow.
    Yesterday, I went with my mom to apply to a job. It was simple, there was no reason to be afraid, but long before we arrived something was telling me I couldn't apply. It hurts to hold yourself back for no reason, to lose your breath over the thought of walking into a building. My mind is a terrible place to be sometimes, at the same time I love it. It's a hard thing to explain but my goal for the next year is to get some help for it, I think.

I'll go on more later, but for now this is all my head can handle