“What is not started today is never finished tomorrow.”

This is actually my second post today which is sort of ridiculous but I don't care. I was frustrated about something that happened earlier so I needed to get this out. It's a confession of dreams I guess, or something like that.
  The thing is, ever since I was a little kid I've wanted to be a singer. I've wanted to tour and I've wanted to put on a show. I dreamed about getting awards and writing songs. I just knew it's what I wanted, & it hasn't changed since I was 4.
   I should have picked up the guitar, I should have told everyone that I was going to be a star and I should have written songs by now. Instead though, I was too afraid. I thought that no one would take me seriously and that I wasn't good enough so I didn't try hard enough, I just gave up. Even as I got older and a little more confident I was still afraid to come out and say "I want to be a singer, a musician, a writer, a performer." I was too afraid to admit to my only real dreams. So I tried to do what I loved by trying to start or get into bands with my friends, I tried to write and learn the ways but I always felt that people thought I wasn't good enough to actually do it so I gave up.
 I keep trying. I keep dabbling into the music with family and friends but it still seems that I'm treating it like a possible hobby on the side of whatever I'm going to do. I can't live this way and I know it, it's the only thing that will make me truly content with myself. It's my escape and I want to learn more, I want to see more, I want to hear more and I really want to do more.
  I'm well aware that I have a very long way to go, I have things within myself that I need to resolve so that I can be comfortable with saying these things out loud. Even this post will be hard to publish, but maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'll have more supporters than I think.

"I guess that’s that, but when a dream seems impossible, it’s simply a matter of you telling yourself that you could be the first to do it. Just because it hasn’t been done, that doesn’t render you incapable. You decide when you’re going to begin." -Ifeoma ( a friend)


I begin now. I begin to believe that my dreams are relevant and I'll seek refuge in my voice, I'll move with my words and I'll show the world (big or small) that Shaina Danielle can create and dispatch her love despite a lifetime of being afraid to do so. Tonight I'm declaring my belief in myself and I'm humbly asking for the wisdom and support of others. This is no longer a day dream that has lasted for over a decade, but goal.

This is just a useless taste

    Last night I was nearly tempted to make a post detailing all the things going on in my head, but the constant flashing and wondering in my head held me back.  I'm not sure why everything seems to come together like this, but it always does.
  
I'm usually caught up in panic, telling myself terrible things without a real reason. Visions in my head of not being able to cope with the pressure so I just try to claw, scrape, slice, bite, maybe even pull my way out of myself and escape. Have you ever sat in class with a pair of sharp shears pressed into the palm of your hand and dragging  because you can't focus on anything? Maybe you've shot up out of bed shaking and crying, tearing your room apart so that you could find anything that would change your state of mind and help you escape your own head. Do you understand the incredible victory of not eating for a week because it's the only self control you've been able to harvest?
   I hate those days when human interaction is absolutely terrifying.
      I'll probably always have a hard time explaining it.

That poster could use more exclamations marks

We're having family time today, it's nice.
Me, mom, my brothers (Damian & Cain) and my aunt

I guess I can't forget my dog Ziggy.
Right now we're watching Scott Pilgrim VS the World, quoting it line for line practically.
My brother Damian said he's going to get a Chinese woman, I don't know how I feel about that considering he's 11 but oh well.
 I wrote a song last night, I'm trying to remember how it went exactly. It's too damn cold in KC still, fucking sucks. I need to hang out with some of my friends that I haven't seen in a million years


*EDIT
My aunt Robyn doesn't think Russell Brand is attractive, something about looking like a "homeless guy at the bus stop" 
I have to disagree.

I'm in lesbians with you. I really, really mean it

This is a cold, white, snowy hell

    Ever since we've moved back to KC I have been shut up in this house by this terrible weather, give or take a few days. It's 30 degrees and tomorrow it'll be 30 degrees, the next day will probably be 30 degrees and forever I will suffer in this damn arctic tundra bullshit weather.
     1,400 calories into the day and going into 200 something MG's of caffiene and I'm lacking anything truly good to say about my life. I hate it actually, I loath this existence to the fullest at the moment. I honestly have no idea what the fuck I'm saying right now or if there is a point to this (I'm pretty sure there isn't)
   I'm sorry, I accidentally deleted a whole paragraph that explained that I don't believe it will continuously be 30 degrees outside. Again, there is no real purpose for this other than to get out my stream of thoughts and possible desires.

I've been thinking about the possibility of going to school for entrepreneurship. Maybe start an online fashion "boutique" eventually run my own salon (hiring my friends of course) and who knows what else. I want to get away from things that are too familiar, I want to travel. I hate that it takes so much money to do these things.

 Jasmine should really be my partner in crime with this, I miss her. I just told her I was writing a blog, probably one of my only true friends. It saddens me sometimes that we don't get to see each other very much because of her living in Hutchinson. I might go there around spring break to see my cousins, Jasmine & I will have to hang out and talk business :)

     I tried to get a job at Taco Bell a few weeks ago, had an interview even. It seemed to be going well but the manager went over my work history (Leaving McDonalds after 2 days), my education (dropping out of High School, leaving Cosmetology school) and told me I needed to find stability and it seemed that I couldn't commit. Needless to say, I didn't get the job. I've felt pretty discouraged since then, plus the longer I sit around the deeper the mental black hole in my head seems to grow.
    Yesterday, I went with my mom to apply to a job. It was simple, there was no reason to be afraid, but long before we arrived something was telling me I couldn't apply. It hurts to hold yourself back for no reason, to lose your breath over the thought of walking into a building. My mind is a terrible place to be sometimes, at the same time I love it. It's a hard thing to explain but my goal for the next year is to get some help for it, I think.

I'll go on more later, but for now this is all my head can handle